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As a woman in my late 30s, I’ve consistently thought that courtesy is essential, which includes expressing regret when I think I’ve made a mistake. Despite a happy life, I’ve faced very little self-assurance. This mix of trying to acknowledge people and doubting myself has turned me into someone who apologizes frequently. Often, it happens so quickly that I’m unconscious of it. It comes from anxiety and has impacted both my private and work life. It frustrates my close ones and co-workers, and then I get frustrated when they bring it up—which only increases my anxiety.

Public Speaking and Inquiring

This constant saying sorry is especially concerning when it comes to addressing a group or making inquiries in front of people. I try to write everything down to stay on track and avoid anxious tangents, but even that isn’t effective most of the time. As an junior researcher in political science, speaking assuredly is crucial. I’ve attempted to work on this through exposure therapy, such as instructing groups and compelling myself to ask questions at community gatherings, despite experiencing setbacks from senior male academics. I’ve also tried pausing before speaking to become more aware of when I’m apologizing, but this helps at first before I revert to old habits.

Self-Acceptance

I don’t think I’ll ever completely love myself, and I’ve accepted with that. I still appreciate life and find it rewarding. My main goal is to curb the overuse of apologies. I’ve learned that counseling might support me, but I wonder how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a important skill, but it must be used wisely. Too little or too much, and you place a load on others.

Finding the Source

A psychotherapist might explore where this urge comes from. Questions like, “How young were you when this developed?” or “Was it internally driven or adopted from someone nearby to you?” Sometimes, youthful habits that once benefited us become maladaptive in later years.

In fact, some of your current behaviors could be seen as self-sabotage. You are aware it irritates those around you, yet you keep doing it.

The Role of Therapy

When asked what professional guidance could do, one approach focuses on existing rather than doing. Much of effective counseling is about self-awareness, not just problem-solving. A experienced counselor will kindly probe you, offering a comfortable setting to consider and embrace who you are.

Instead of direct confrontation, a connection-based method with a humanist therapist might be more effective. This can help you reconnect to yourself and examine how you treat, disregard, and undermine yourself. It can assist in catching self-criticism, breaking it, and finding more self-compassionate ways to see things. Your confidence can improve from there.

Practical Steps

Changing deep-seated habits is challenging, especially in anxious times when apologizing feels like a automatic response. But you can start by thinking on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to hold back. Often, it’s an try to avoid discomfort or exposure, by recognizing perceived flaws before others do. This can create a cycle of frustration and nervousness.

Even reflecting afterward can be helpful. Try counting to 10 before responding, or use a alternative statement instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “That makes sense” can make others feel understood without you taking responsibility.

This process will take patience, but acknowledging there’s an issue is a important first step toward growth.